This day sucked. Big time. It started with a spanish lesson about preteritum something that should be easy but which I can't seem to get it into my head. After that I had a meeting with a doctor at BUP who gave me a recipe on anti depressives. Following, I went back to school and listened to some english presentations. Of course they were all fabulous... They looked secure and they used difficult words. No, I don't have anxiety over my presentation on Thuseday. Not at all... Then I - kind of mood-bumped - ate lunch (which was horrible as always, I could feel every single calorie landing in my stomach), and after that I had my maths test.

OK, so I barely studdied last weekend (though you can't say I didn't try), nor did I studdy yesterday. I know I have only myself to blame, but I thought I had it, at least a little, on the good side. You know, I didn't understand all the tasks in our maths book, but I thought it would work out since it hadn't been that difficult. Three quaters in to the test when I had looked on every A-C assignment and only been able to answer one I started to panic. Not like I did before, but in my new way - the without-feelings-way, which means I didn't physically panic, only mentally (or was it the the other way around I don't know?) I saw people handing in their tests, walking out of the classroom and at that point I started to scratch myself with my nails. It came to my mind that last term back at Björkis I started to cry when I didn't got the question at first sight (this only happend once though). I scratched harder, forced myself to look at the questions. To understand them. To be intelligent.

It didn't work and I realized that my "friends" were going to ask me how the test had gone. Since I have my plan I understood that I had to get out from school quickly, before they got the chance to ask me anything. (If they did ask me I would probably not been able to lie which would fail my plan.) So I did as I thought: handing in the test, hurrying downstairs, taking out my stuff and runned out from school. I took my sharpest key and scratched while going to the underground. It was nice.

At the underground they called several times. At first I didn't pick up, but then I thought it would only get me into more trouble ignoring them so I pressed the answer button and said with my fakest, happiest voice "Hi!". Sara knew at instant. She said that I had dissappeared in no time, and wanted to know what had happend, how the test had gone. I said it went OK, and tried to hang off. It hurted me so much lying to her, she deserves so much more. She said Ellen wanted to talk too so a little against my will I did. I said everything was OK, she said she could hear on my voice that I was on my way hurting myself. I chopped off the conversation. I'm a disgusting human beeing.